For the past 3 years I’ve been living a busy busy life with a teenager, a preteen and a toddler. My mind has been what I can only describe as a blur. There have been times where I have completely forgotten who I was, and trying to figure out who I am. I have sunk down to the deepest dark places only to rise up to the most wonderful places. I have cried and I have laughed harder than I ever have. Some days I have come undone. Some days I am as strong as a bull. I have doubted whether I should have ever become a mother. I have questioned myself as a wife. I’ve loved so hard that it hurts. I’ve learned how to be loved and receive love. I can finally count on my fingers how many people ( i think) truly love me for me.
I use to think that I had being a mom down pat. My first was a sweet and easy boy ( still is minus the teenage hormones haha) My second was stubborn but sweet and has turned out to be a tender hearted joy to be around. And then I had my third. When was pregnant with her I had someone tell me that “third was a charm”. She would fit in and just go with the flow that we already had going. I also had some very brave woman tell me that her third child changed her entire life and pushed her over the edge.....now as much as I would have loved for my third to be a charm ( aren’t all children charms? ) we all know how the story goes, my little girl turned my ( our, the 4 of us) life completely around. She has made me see the ugliest side of myself while at the same time helping me find the most beautiful parts of my heart. This little person has made me stronger, braver, older ( the white hairs are endless) and has stretched me to the max to help me see what I am truly capable of. God had a plan when He gave me Ellie. I’m sure that is why he made me wait so long for her, because I had to be perfectly ready. I still sometimes question that! Haha!
So I’ve been growing. We have been growing. My whole family. We have loved and we have lost and we have gained. Even when it was messy God has met us right where we are every time. He’s carrying us through this messy, beautiful life. And I couldn’t imagine walking through it without Him. I know that I would more than likely not be walking at all, because in my own strength I am nothing. But with Gods strength He is everything, which carries me through anything because Christ is in me.
With my little one soon hitting the three year old mark, little bits and pieces of my brain are coming back, haha. I’m seeing little bits of “me” peeking through. But it’s a new me, an older me. I’m happy to say that the writer in me is still in there and is starting to be able to put a few good words together once again and I’m looking forward to sharing them with you.
A new year, and by Gods grace, a fresh start every moment of every day.
Ann ❤️
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