Beautiful, Messy Me

Here I am again at the library for some me time. Week #2.  I thought that today I would not make it.  I was dreaming about being here again all week, but today was daylight savings time and Ellie woke up late and was playing happily all day. I also had to take Jon somewhere in the middle of my 5 hour break so I thought I just may as well not go. I guess the “all or nothing” part of me kicked in, which is a very common thing for me when it comes to making life decisions. 😂 I thought to myself that it’s ok if I don’t get one Sunday at the library for me time, it’s all just me being selfish anyway thinking tha I must have this time in order to function normally through my week. But my dear husband asked me if I was going to go to “ my hideout” , as he called it, today. I told him no and my reasons why, and in his sweetness he said “ well why don’t you go after you drop off Jon to work?” And I replied with “ well it’s only 2 hours” , and he replies with “ well take what you can get!!” Lol. So he didn’t have to pull my arm and he was right, so here I am, 2 hours alone at the library. I’m so glad I’m here , and I was excited to write today, so I’m doing it first thing. 😊
 I’ve thought of so many things I was going to write about this week. A writers mind is constantly putting thoughts into sentences, rewording things and always desiring to put it down on paper. My weeks are full of many crazy adventures, chaos, emotions, lessons, anger, sadness and joy. And so my mind is constantly at work putting things together into sentences. ( as if all the stress I already have isn’t enough, my brain has to make it just a little more complicated by making it all grammatically correct 😂) so today, and probably most times that I’m here my blogs will be a jumbled mess of thoughts from my week and today. My writing will most likely NOT be gramatically correct, but that is what I’ve started writing again for, to put that jumbled mess onto paper. In hopes of better understanding myself , growing and releasing things. Also so that i can one day look back and see how I was feeling at a certain time in my life. How I dealt with things, and to see Gods hand in my life. This blog is solely for me! I go back and forth about sharing this blog with social media. But I’m very picky about who I let shar my life and heart with because some people will only follow along, not because they actually care about you, but because they want to be nosey and know what is going on in your life, but ignore you in public or have no desire to have a relationship with you. That’s weird to me. And I guess having a blog means that you have to deal with that stuff, so I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. So, if I do ever end up sharing this blog because I decided I don’t care, lol, enjoy my beautiful mess, and say hello to me in public, lol!😂

Ok, that’s enough of my rambling on about nothing...Here at some topics I wanted to write about today:
1. Adult friendships, how it is the hardest thing ever to make new friends in your late 30s because you go between being the most awkward person ever in situations thinking nobody could ever likes you, to not giving a crap and saying, this is who I am, take me or leave me!  Mean girls who have turned into mean girl adults. Adult cliques that are worse than high school. And being that overly nice person that everybody takes advantage of and gets shafted in friendships because they never have to worry about you and know you will always be there.
2. How people of the church are less welcoming and way more judge mental than people who are not part of the church.
3. How if you did not grow up in the church you will never feel like you fit in. Your messy and broken is not tolerated, “extra” or needy. But if sally Joe who was raised in the church had a bad week because her husband decided to raise his voice at her one time and it made her cry, Everyone is running to her rescue. Do I have a little bit of jealously about those perfect ladies/men that were raised in the church with perfect Christian parents and were never exposed to abuse or alcoholics that  think anxiety or depression comes from “ an unhealthy gut” or that I’m not “trusting in God fully enough” if I have these messy issues? And they can find pure “Joy in the Lord” so freakin easily? Yeh, maybe.......
4. Or should I write today about parenting confessions? How I do all those things that those
 warning articles on the internet tell me not to?

Hmm.... well numbers 1-3 seem like pretty unsafe ground to tread upon so I’m going to go ahead and choose number 4 today. Sorry if you got excited! 😉
Still could be very much judged by #4, lol, but I don’t care and maybe some other mama out there can relate. 😂

 1. Confession 1: I do my big kids laundry.
So today when I was folding my 18 year old sons laundry (YUP) and hanging his shirts on hangers I thought about how many moms would say that I am babying him by doing this. . Yes, my son knows how to do his own laundry, so does my daughter, but I enjoy helping them by doing it. I’m good at ilaundry , I can get it done super fast , and I hang my sons shirts on hangers because I cannot stand to see him in a wrinkly shirt. Maybe it was that when I was a young wife my grandmother once told me that a mans shirts should “ always be ironed and not wrinkly”  because if other people see him it will be a reflection of his dirty wife. 😳😳 hahah, although I KNOW that this is not true at all ( loved my mom-mom, god rest her sweet soul) I absolutely cannot stand when men have wrinkly shirts! So I hang my sons shirts straight out of the hot dryer so I don’t have to iron them. My son is one of
my “men” now so I can help him out by making sure he is ahem....,unwrinkly. 😂 And that’s what I’m suppose to be as his mom now right? He’s 18, suppose to all of a sudden turn into an adult over night because of a number. What can I be for him? His helper and guidance. I’m not doing it because I want to baby him, or punish his future wife 😂. I’m doing it because I’m his helper, and I help him when I can.  I also want him to see the value of women and how wonderful it will be for him to have a wife who can too help him one day, in way more ways than I even can! I want him to grow and see the beauty of what God has created in marriage and a wife who wants to love him and serve him. Not in a slave like type of way, lol, but in a helper type of way. I want him to desire that!



2. Confession #2: My 4 year old still has a binky and doesn’t poop on the potty. Her binky has been cut down to barely nothing, but she holds it in the side of her mouth only at night when she goes to bed. It’s all about survival and sanity friends. And letting little things go that will not affect her further whatsoever. And if you think it does, when was the last time someone walked up to you in your adult life and asked you if you were breast fed or bottle fed? Or if you had a binky and what age you gave it up? .......never...exactly my point.

3. My kids can watch tv whenever they want. And guess what? They choose to never watch tv! Every once in a while they’ll watch a movie or a show they like, but that’s it. So for this reason we have no restrictions on tv watching. We just got rid of our cable and 2 TVs out of our house. We are just not a big tv family . And if you are, that’s ok too! Each family is different and each child is different! You now what’s best for your family!

Ok well now that I’ve poured my heart out a bit, this introvert is drained just by writing all of those feelings down , lol! So I’m going to go enjoy the rest of my quiet time. Until next week.

❤️Ann

Me time.

My husband has been giving me some time on sunday afternoons to go and be alone for a few hours. It has been amazing for this introvert who has been totally maxed out come weeks end in this season of my life. I know a lot of my writing friends who’s husbands let them take some time to go to Starbucks or Barnes and nobles to write their books, or work on blog posts. Although I’m not writing a book currently, I do love to write and I thought that I should write when I get this time because it is good for my soul to write. 
Last week I went to Barnes and nobles and it was so loud and crowded in there that it wasn’t the most relaxing time for me sadly since B &N is one of my favorite places to go. This past week I took Ellie to the library and scooped out all of the quiet spaces around and I could not stop thinking about getting here today for my down time! My library is a real blessing, it has 3 floors, a kids section, adult section, and the basement is a place for book sales, meeting rooms and they also feature an artist of the month and display their artwork. Kylie and I love to come every month and check out the new artwork that is hung. Last month it was the artwork of a beautiful woman who had cancer that was inspired to paint the many faces of cancer. So she painted many different people who were diagnosed with cancer and there were little blurbs about each person next to their painting. Some people had survived and some had not and sadly the artist herself had passed away as well, so it was a beautiful memoir of who she was. A very special time for her family, I’m sure, to see her artwork displayed. This month there is photography work hung from a local photographer taken from his iPhone that you can see and also buy. Some really amazing pictures. Kylie and I especially loved the pictures he had of Venice sunsets. He took three different pictures and they were three different colors each day. Amazing! God is the true artist and you could see it all over these photos. 
So finally I have my time at the library. I’ve chosen a seat in the way back, in a little personal cubby filled with plugs and a desk and free WiFi. I’ve got my water and a snack, my iPad, my notebook and my earbuds. The library is only open from 1-5 on sundays and all week I have been thinking about how long I should stay and what I will do with this time?! The thought of being away from home for 4 straight hours, and leaving my husband at home and in charge feels very greedy to me, lol. But this time is so very needed for me to regroup my mind from the past week and prepare for the new week ahead. I’ve decided that while I am here I will do my meal plan for the week, plan my weekly schedule, update my monthly calendar, update my budget and then when I f8nish all of that I will treat myself to writing for a bit and then reading for a bit. I’ve already checked my clock about 10x because I know this time will go by so fast. I feel so silly as I am writing all of this as if I a, a prisoner in my own home. It’s not true, but in this season of my life my family needs all of me all of the time. I’ve never felt stretched so thin. Having 3 children who are so far apart in age some may think it’s easy because the big kids just watch the little one right? Not at all. It’s quiet the opposite. Don’t get me wrong, my big kids have been such a blessing to me by watching Ellie when I ask them to or else I would not get to do anything by myself EVER! But my big kids also have their own busy lives and are doing their own thing most of the time, as it should be. My husbands work schedule is all over the place and he is very tired when he gets home. I try to give him time to res5 and recover after a hard days work. After all, if it weren’t for him working so hard all the time we would not get to have the life we have. So this is why I feel guilty staying away for such a long amount of time. But I know that I work hard too, very hard with no breaks. Being an introvert, I drain very quickly and this is not good for anyone around me. So this time is very good for me AND MY FAMILY. We all will reap the benefits when mom gets a much needed break. 
This library is quiet. It’s so so quiet that I could put my head down and fall asleep. I should bring a sign that says “Do not disturb, tired mom trying to get 1 hour of peace and quiet.” Haha, then maybe I wouldn’t look so crazy when I close my eyes or put down my head. 
This week my son had foot surgery on   Monday, driving lessons on Tuesday, it was also my little ones 4th birthday on Tuesday and then my son was suppose to take his driving test finally on Friday, and then it snowed, pushing it back once again. I know it’s Gods perfect timing as to when my son gets his license. And it is so bitter sweet. Some nights I lose sleep over the thought of h8m on these crazy south jersey roads, and other days I cannot wait for him to drive because I know it will be such a HUGE help for me and give me AND HIM a little more freedom. It’s going to be good when it happens and I’m looking forward to it. I’m trusting God that he will protect him and guide him, just like he did me. 
This is a busy season of choosing colleges, visiting colleges, many drama productions, swim rehearsals, art classes , senior shenanigans, registering for preschools , navigating adult Life for me and my newly adulted son. 
It’s a season of learning about public school for both me and Kylie, soaking in Gods blessings of his guidance in this choice. Learning about mean people and really great people. Wonderful teachers, not so great teachers and new subjects. It’s about trying to advise her not to join everything, lol, and watching her flourish and grow. 

 It’s a season of discipline for both me and my toddler. Big steps for both of us learning about each other and doing hard things. For her it’s potty training and listening to her teacher in Sunday school and sharing and obeying. For me it’s learning to be firm in discipline but also gentle and kind at the same time. It’s learning how not to break her “ spirit” but also guiding her to use it best. She is basically me without Jesus, lol. All of the things she feels and let’s out very loudly I would also like to do sometimes. I always say she is me on the inside without Jesus. She will be lovely and do great things in Gods kingdom once she does find Jesus, which I pray she does! 

Well my mind is mush and I only have 1 hour left of “me time” so I’m going to go read a bit. Glad to write again even if it’s a jumbled up mess of words, but that’s ok because I’m just a jumbled up mess of a person winging it every day and being carried by Jesus. ❤️✝️

18 and counting.

Well here I am writing again just a few days after Christmas. It seems as though this is the only time of the year that I have down time and can hear my thoughts and write them down. I have loved reading through my old blog posts today, I was having a really down day, not sure why, but I couldn’t seem to lift myself out of the slump I was in. I started reading some of my old blog posts and I was actually encouraged by my own words. I love my perspective on things and I can remember exactly how I felt at the moments I was writing the blog. It’s so beautiful to see Gods work in my life so clearly, especially because of where I am now in my life. I’m so thankful for his mighty hand upon my life.
My season right now has seemed like one of the hardest seasons as a mom that I will ever go through. My son just turned 18 and with this new age my sweet boy turned into an angry and bitter man who im told is just trying to find himself. He’s mean most of the time if he doesn’t like what you say or what your doing. He barely smiles, especially at those of us who live in the same house as him, and he seems to be very angry at the world. He has a bad case of senioritis, which seems way worse when you are a homeschooler because you just stay home and do nothing, but take all your laziness and bitterness out on those you live with. He’s angry at me for all of the things that he doesnot have going on in his life, like getting his license, scoring high on his SATS, you name it, he’s blaming me for it or somebody else. He’s annoyed at everyone and it seems like he’s given up trying for anything. I’m thankful that we were able to apply early to two colleges ( by practically pulling his teeth) because he has absolutely no interest in applying at any other schools, which I fear with his low SAT scores will land him still home come next fall.
But he is not as awful of a young adult as he sounds... he does some things here and there that remind me that inside he is fighting this battle to find who he is, or who he should be, and that it’s all a fascade, and that he will not stay like this forever and has a kind heart deep down inside.
For the past year I was pretty sure he hated me. But all teens hate their parents so I just moved forward and kept being mom, just as moms do. This Christmas my mom took him out shopping for me and he got me the sweetest, most personal gifts. He got me a purse that I absolutely love, he told me when he saw it he checked to make sure it had all the details that I love in a purse. This made me think, he does care about me and actually listens to me when I talk! He also chose for me this beautiful painting of a bike resting in front of the ocean. I loved the picture so much because it had the beach and ocean in it, but when him and I got some time alone together he told me he chose it for me because it reminded him of the story I tell about when I was a little girl and use to ride my bike along the bay with my hair blowing in the wind. I now look at the picture and stare for so long because that is exactly what it reminds my heart of. Again, my heart melts because this means he does care about me and listens to my stories and remembers it’s imprtance to me. I tear up just thinking about this picture, I’ll hold it in my heart forever.
So as hard as he is right now I see that his heart is sweet, and underneath all of the muck is maybe a sweet guy that will break out once all this figuring out who he is is over. I’m thankful to God for these glances.
I’ve never prayed for any of my children more than I have prayed for this boy in this past year. I’m scared for him, I’m worried about him and I wonder if he will survive in the big world. He still seems immature and young to me, not 18. I don’t know if that is because I’ve been home with him everyday for the past 8 years, or because I’m his mom and I still see him as a little boy, or what. But letting him go seems so hard because I’m afraid he doesn’t have what it takes to survive in the world! My mother’s heart wants him to be smart, and I want him to pursue his dreams and shoot for the stars, believing he can do anything! But I want him to be kind and have a tender heart to help others, to be the hands and feet of God. I want him to meet a beautiful Christian girl that loves Jesus first and who will honor him and cherish him all the days of his life. I want him to love her so much that he will honor and cherish her as his bride. I often fear that my daughter in law will hate me because of his flaws, it’s a very real anxiey of mine! I  want him to seek God all the days of his life and lead his family in prayer and to church every Sunday! I want him to be highly involved in his church and cherish his church as an important part of his life. I want him to love me and honor me look back at all I did for him and feel so appreciative of it that he will teach his wife and children to love me too. That he will see me as a great person that he will want as a part of his life with his family!I want him to love and cherish his sisters and have great friendships with them as well.  All of these things have  been my mothers prayers! I must trust God, that he has my son in the palm of his hands and will guide him to EXACTLY where he is meant to be. And no matter how I see him that he has perfec5 plan for Jon’s life and that this is not the end of his story, in fact is is just the beginning. I want to trust and believe in this so bad! Mean while, I sit and pray and fight and trust. I cry and pray some more. I argue with him some days and laugh with him some days. He chooses to be nice to me some days, and other days he’s a complete jerk to me. But I’ll always be his mom and I’ll never stop praying for him, loving him. And attempting to guide him, all by Gods Grace and strength! That is all I have in this battle! I’m so so thankful that I have Jesus because I cannot imagine doing this alone and without any hope.

Christ in Him

This morning I prayed the prayer ,“God make me more of a Christian like my husband.” 
Yesterday my husband came home after a long and cold day of work and told me that he shared the Gospel with one of the guys at work. 
My husband is a strong believer in Jesus and God. He is smart and can speak about the Bible and quote it. If anyone were to doubt that there is a God or a Jesus my husband can talk with them for hours on why there is and why they should believe. 
My husbands sister passed away this year at a young age from Cancer and it was tragic. My peace came from my husband, because as horribly sad as the whole thing was, my husband had so much Joy and confidence in knowing exactly where his sister was that he was able to move forward with his life and even find Joy for her and for himself. Because of his complete confidence in what he believed I had peace. If he could believe with such a strong faith, how could I not? 
My husband does not go to church.....my husband does not share life with other Christians, my husband does not read his bible daily. But my husband has complete faith in the God he serves. His faith and belief that Jesus died for us is even greater than mine, it is greater than some of the greatest Christians that I know. 
My children and I attend church every Sunday faithfully, we are involved in our local church and we love our church family. My prayer for my husband for many years has been that he would choose to come to church and sit beside on Sunday mornings. I use to pray that he would be involved and serve and that he would go to small groups with me. But it has been so long that my prayer has simmered down to just hoping that he would choose to be next to us in church on the Sunday mornings that he is home from work. 
As I have grown through the years as his wife I have started to understand why he doesn’t go. And finally at one point I had to let go of this endless prayer because it was consuming me and I was allowing it to be a dagger in our marriage. I had to let go of who I wanted him to be, and love him the very best I could right where he was...right where he is. 
 What makes a Christian a “good” Christian anyway? If a person claims their faith in Christ and then chooses to be baptized, does it make them any less of a Christian if they were submersed under the water or sprinkled with water? Even though I believe in baptism by submersion, I know some wonderful Christian people that believe being sprinkled as a baby is enough. Are they any less of a Christian than me? Choosing to be baptized is a step in your Christian walk with God, a covenant with Him. But it does not make you any less of a Christian, or God does not love you any less if you have not been baptized. So then, if you choose to be a Christian and you choose not to go to church, does God love you any less? Is my husband less of a Christian than me because he chooses not to practice the part of his Christianity that is gong to church? The answer is no. Yes, church is something that God has given us as a gift to know him more and to live a great ( and a lot of times hard) life if fellowship with other Christians. Me personally, I love the church and I could not walk my Christian walk without it. But God does not love my husband any less because he doesn’t go. And  my husband is no less of a Christian than me because he chooses not to go. Me, the churchgoing, people serving, intercessor who reads her bible and prays every day, still struggles hard with sharing the gospel with non Christians. But my husband , the non church going, non bible reading guy, who thinks church is an “absolute drudgery” , is being used by God to share Jesus from his work van with struggling men on the cold nights of the winter. He challenged me last night, and made me feel convicted in my faith because when he started his story he told me that “you know, everybody at work knows I believe in God.” And I thought to myself as I prayed this morning, does everybody in my life know that I believe in God? Most do, but there are some who maybe do not... 

God so kindly shows me things like this to bring me to my knees in gratefulness and awe. Although my prayer to have my husband sit beside me in church has not been answered (yet).God is SO Much bigger than that, and there is So much more to life than this. And God is doing such a GREATER work than we can even imagine or may ever see. He is so kind to me to let me see the work that he has Never Stopped doing in my sweet husband, all while at the same time doing a big work in me. 

I have been crucified with Christ. And I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 

-Ann 

New

I’m excited to get back to blogging. 
For the past 3 years I’ve been living a busy busy life with a teenager, a preteen and a toddler. My mind has been what I can only describe as a blur. There have been times where I have completely forgotten who I was, and trying to figure out who I am. I have sunk down to the deepest dark places only to rise up to the most wonderful places. I have cried and I have laughed harder than I ever have. Some days I have come undone. Some days I am as strong as a bull. I have doubted whether I should have ever become a mother. I have questioned myself as a wife.   I’ve loved so hard that it hurts. I’ve learned how to be loved and receive love. I can finally count on my fingers how many people ( i think) truly love me for me. 
I use to think that I had being a mom down pat. My first was a sweet and easy boy ( still is minus the teenage hormones haha) My second was stubborn but sweet and has turned out to be a tender hearted joy to be around. And then I had my third. When was pregnant with her I had someone tell me that “third was a charm”. She would fit in and just go with the flow that we already had going. I also had some very brave woman tell me that her third child changed her entire life and pushed her over the edge.....now as much as I would have loved for my third to be a charm ( aren’t all children charms? ) we all know how the story goes, my little girl turned my ( our, the 4 of us) life completely around. She has made me see the ugliest side of myself while at the same time helping me find the most beautiful parts of my heart. This little person has made me stronger, braver, older ( the white hairs are endless) and has stretched me to the max to help me see what I am truly capable of. God had a plan when He gave me Ellie. I’m sure that is why he made me wait so long for her, because I had to be perfectly ready. I still sometimes question that! Haha! 
So I’ve been growing. We have been growing. My whole family. We have loved and we have lost and we have gained. Even when it was messy God has met us right where we are every time. He’s carrying us through this messy, beautiful life. And I couldn’t imagine walking through it without Him. I know that I would more than likely not be walking at all, because in my own strength I am nothing. But with Gods strength He is everything, which carries me through anything because Christ is in me. 
With my little one soon hitting the three year old mark, little bits and pieces of my brain are coming back, haha. I’m seeing little bits of  “me” peeking through. But it’s a new me, an older me. I’m happy to say that the writer in me is still in there and is starting to be able to put a few good words together once again and I’m looking forward to sharing them with you. 

A new year, and by Gods grace, a fresh start every moment of every day. 

Ann ❤️

The Mothers Room

Today the church I went to had this magical little place called "The Mothers Room".  When I had first visited this church my friend had showed me this little room and I had planned on taking full advantage of it one of these Sundays, and today I did.
  
My "Plan" on Sundays doesn't often go as I want it to, which is what life is like with a toddler, I am learning (remembering). As you may have heard me say before Sunday is my hardest day of the week. Getting my troop out the door and to church on Sundays mornings by myself is one of my biggest battles of the week. I often wake up wondering why I should even fight this battle when it is so much easier to stay home? But I love church.... I yearn for and love the word, and I love worship so much.I am by myself so much during the week, this is where I go to get refueled and filled up and refreshed for my week ahead. I need it. So I often start my Sunday morning in prayer begging God to help me do this today. And He always does, He is always waiting for me right on that couch early morning, ready to fight that battle for me. 
So, he motivates me...... and pushes me to get the tired kids up, and convince them why we need to be at church,  and beg for them to sit with the baby so I can just get a shower and blow out my hair...and try not to curse, and try not to sweat so that my hair doesn't frizz up, and try to find joy in it all, fight to find joy in it all....Its Sunday, we have to get to church! 

So this morning I went to my couch tired and convinced that today I was not going to fight the battle. The baby has a cough, good excuse to stay home. The middle girl is exhausted from being up early every day this week, she told me she wanted to sleep in today and that she was not going to church. The teen boy will easily stay home. 
But when I got to the couch and I opened His word, he somehow convinced me to go again. And so today I specifically prayed that during the battle I would find joy in it all. Joy in my season, and we did it, we got there. Im pretty sure I told my endlessly fighting kids to shut-up on the way there, but we got there. 

My little one fussed during worship and so I decided to try the Mothers Room again today. I had great expectations for this room and was convinced that it would be the perfect fix for my current church life. Even though it had let me down last week ( Baby wouldnt sit still) I decided I would try again. Like I said, my little one had a cough and I didnt want to bring her into the nursery, she was tired anyway. 

I sat down and there were already a few moms in there...Let me describe this room to you.... 12 rockers, a small room with a tv in the front to watch what was happening in the main room. We could hear the end of worship, and announcements. Even though we were busy with our little ones, we could still hear it, and comprehend it. I mean,we are Moms, we can do those sort of things! We can do two things at one time!
 I began to rock my tired little one and fed her a snack. Some Moms, were chatting, some breast feeding their babies, some bottle feeding. Some were talking about how they were expecting again, and sharing in joy together. One Mom had her baby on a blanket in front of her rocker while she just relaxed in her chair. In between the chairs were tables, with little baskets with snacks in them. Free for Mom....and when you sat in your chair you were greeted by one of the women who signed up to serve in there, and they quietly asked you if you would like some water. They then would bring you a little cold bottle of water, that they also would open for you and set beside you. There were changing tables, and a sink. The sign outside the door said "For women only". A safe feeling I got when I was in there. I started to get worried that my little one was not going to go to sleep with all the chatter, but as soon as the sermon started, lights went off and sure enough everyone stopped talking.....It was marvelous.....There was a dim light in the back of the room so that we could still see, but it was still dark enough for quiet and comfort for little ones, and moms, to rest. A few Moms stood and bounced their babies, a few babies gibbered quietly to their Mamas until there was almost no noise at all because all the littles had fallen asleep. I even looked over at one point to see a Mama putting her head back with her eyes closed. Her tiny new little one on her shoulder. I thought she must have had a rough morning too, and she must be tired, and I wondered if she had other children and what their ages were. I felt happy for her that she could come to church and sit holding her new little one, and even rest for an hour herself. It seemed like it was something she really needed. 
So I closed my eyes and put my head back too.....Because my little one had also given up her fight and fallen asleep. My "plan" had worked today....My stomach started to growl just like every Sunday, because Mom never gets to eat breakfast... and then I remembered those yummy little snacks next to me, and I felt so blessed that I could fill my hunger at that moment. And the bonus was that I actually got to eat one whole one to myself. 
I put my head back again and just listened to the sermon....I started to feel these feelings of rest....of refreshment....At that moment I felt respected, and honored as a Mom...I felt important and cared about...that someone, some genius would think of this Mothers room....I was excited that I actually got to listen to the sermon, and was trying to take in every word...I was thankful that today I didnt have to choose to put my clingy, crying toddler in the nursery because that was the only way I would get to hear the word. Because, lets be honest, when you leave your crying kid in a nursery, all you really do is stare at the doors, or the screen for your number to pop up to go down and get them...you cant really concentrate. And then you feel sad for their little faces when you go back and get them...another battle that I just had to do...I felt so blessed today, that someone thought of me and the rest I so needed as a Mom, just to get to church. I felt so thankful that I had this little safe haven for me and my baby that was an option for me every week. I could come and go as I pleased,  just that it was there. 

After my little one woke up, right before the sermon ended, we left the room and we went out into the foyer to wait for the sermon to end. There were couches, and TVs with the sermon still playing. There were Moms and Dads out there chasing their little ones who maybe also wouldnt stay in their class or be still in the sermon... Dads bouncing babies...An old Man sitting on one of the sofas, with his bible open taking notes. He smiled at me when I sat down in one of the chairs. He too closed his eyes at one point, and just sat back and listened...I was happy for him....he was old and maybe tired from getting up to get to church today...but he made it there...And he had this nice option of a sofa, a quiet little spot where he could rest and didnt have to miss the sermon. 
The sermon ended in song and Moms and Dads started flushing out the doors headed to pick up their kids....My little one stayed on my lap, cooling off with me and just waiting for our family to come out. A friend walked by and smiled and waved. 
I felt happy....I felt like I do this again....I couldnt wait to get back the next week....

Ive had a rough few months where my battle to go to church on Sunday mornings was so hard, because I would just end up sitting in the nursery with my baby. I would go for my kids....which would still be a battle. I felt like it was pointless and I was feeling drained...
When sharing with one of my sweet friends about it she said "so, basically you are not being fed at all". All you had was Sunday, and now you dont even have that, so where are you getting fed Anna?"
It was at this time I realized I was really starting to go down hill...and so I started praying about it. I love Gods word, his people, his music. And I needed to change something.....I never , ever think about me...my needs...its always someone else. But I have learned in this (as I started to go crazy) that without filling my own cup, I have nothing to pour out to anyone else. I am dry and so I have nothing left to give. For the sake of my kids and husband, who I always want to try to give the best of me, I needed to make some changes....and to The Mothers Room is where God led me...

So heres to new beginnings....and heres to The Mothers Room.

My season.

I always loved to be alone...Until I was alone all the time. 

My house is sparkling. The floors are spotless, pillows perfectly fluffed on the couches. Not a stitch of clothing that is dirty, I even had time to organize my garage yesterday. Yes, my garage. I organized it when I put my Christmas stuff away already. This is my season... Mamas are putting up posts about how a dirty floor means you must be a good Mama, and inside I get sad, I feel guilty. Because I am doing my very best at being a good Mama, but my floors AND stove are also clean. This is my season.... 

My babies are growing fast. A dear friend of mine warned me long ago not to blink, and I did it, I blinked and my son was 13. My daughter has a gorgeous set of permanent front teeth coming in for Christmas. Upgrading to full sized beds and "older" colors for their rooms. Bigger bikes, telephone calls , going away to camp and youth all nighters with church. Closing my eyes, holding my breath, lots of prayers.  I cant pick my daughter up anymore because her feet almost touch the ground, but im thankful her Daddy is tall and strong and has a bit longer to carry her. 
This is my season.... No more babies. Though Ive prayed and begged for more for years now, my womb continues to stay empty, month after month. The tears have dried up and turned into a battle against losing hope. . I trust you Lord. You know me and my family better than I know myself. My heart still aches and wonders if this is truly it for me. Will I forever only be Mama to these two gifts? What a blessing that I get to be called their Mama. I wonder if the yearning will ever pass? How do I move forward into the acceptance of "no more children"?  Trusting and holding onto the promise that He has far more wonderful things for me than I can even imagine. This is my season....

My husband has been blessed with the most amazing job. We have been blessed with a beautiful house and the blessing of my being able to stay at home with my children, day by day I get to form them and teach them. I get to home school them and teach them to passionately love and forgive, and the hope we have in  Jesus in this hard world. Many hard working hours put in. Many days where I am alone with my children from sun rise until the late hours of the night. Lots of time to think. Lots of time to clean to kill time and lonliness. When friends come in and ask how I keep my house so clean If only I could say;  "Its not an obsession with having a clean house, its what helps with my sanity and weary heart most days". While you are rocking and chasing your little ones, I am cleaning my house. I'd gladly trade you friend. This is my season... 

Sitting alone in church. The fight on Sunday mornings to show my children that God is always first. Taking a deep breath as I sit in our chairs a few rows from the back, we made it. Another Sunday that I beat the enemy as he tried to convince me that it wasnt worth it. The 13 year old will just be bored to death in the sermon...But if he just hears one thing that will touch his heart for life, the battle is worth it. Fight. Get him there... Sitting down and up as I remind my children that they should stand because we are standing before our Lord in worship. My prayers....Lord, please let them grow up to love you, please Lord let them know the importance of church and that they too will lead their families and win the battles on cold Sunday mornings when they wonder if the battle is worth it. 

Couldnt go to the church couples Christmas party or group because "I" am not a couple. But savoring the sweet friend who invited me to the ladies bible study Christmas party, and even picked me up to make sure I went. My sister who heard the desperation in my voice and took my kids late so I could go.  The ladies who embraced me when I got there. If they only knew how healing it was to me to be embraced like that, to feel appreciated and loved. Gods embrace through his people. Questioning where "I" belong in the church. But pushing forward and signing up because "I" am a part of the "body". His body. He loves me and He wants me there...This is my season.

Growing up we were taught to never depend or wait on anyone, just do it yourself. I did it myself..... I always did it all myself..... I moved the furniture around in the house, I put the lights on the Christmas tree ( I just found out this year that most women dont do this) I hung the pictures on the walls. I did the bills and carried the dog food in and did all the grocery shopping, budgeting and planning. I drove the kids everywhere and anywhere. I did the tucking in at night and the story reading. I did the disciplining and the "talks".  Because my husband was working...so hard...for us.... I taught them to celebrate him when he is here and to always be thankful for what he does when he is not here....I had to be tough...always. Because the weak dont survive in this world. As my grandfather would say "Just pick up your marbles and go". I was always taught to just "pick up my marbles" and keep going. Ive swept up my pieces often and just kept going. 

But this year.....Its gotten harder for me to do it all myself.  Too many days alone maybe? Self pity creeping in? I find myself less patient, more desperate for help, crying and praying A LOT more. And it annoys the heck out of me because my "tough girl" is wearing down and its out of my control. The hard exterior skin is wearing down and my weaknesses and failures, and interior is being revealed and I have no control over it. People turn away. Some dont know how to handle it. So I stay quiet and do my best to keep smiling out of fear of scaring someone away. 

This morning as I swept my floors while holding back tears due to the thought of having to spend another New Years alone... I heard a sweet and tender voice say to me,
 "I am breaking you, I want you to need me. I have you exactly where I want you. I have chosen this season. I love when you turn to me. I hold your tears and I hold you. I love you more than anyone on this earth will ever love you. I want you to see that even when you feel alone, you are not. I am with you always, I will never leave you nor forsake you."  

This is my season.... and Im praising Him in it....Its Friday, but Sunday is coming.... 

Behind every smile is a hurting heart. Be careful with your words always, and love with your whole heart, you never know how you could change someones life... 

For His Glory, 
Anna

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 3:13